The Immortal Commentary of Two Smartass Authors
by Catatonic Inspiration
Summary: "Why did she need white foundation, and where did she get it, did she rob KISS?" "KFC CHICKEN!" "DAMMIT NATY DON'T MAKE ME HUNGRY." "Weather anomalies...THE ALIENS HAVE ARRIVED." "She's a vampire-witch hybrid. So which one of them banged Hermione?" "Five bucks says it was Carlisle." A commentary on the infamous My Immortal fanfic. T for language and pervy writers. "BAKA AND TEST!"


_**We were bored. Painfully bored. And laughing at this fanfiction. And decided to commentate. Ah, the magic of Google docs so we can derp around together.**_

Plain text: Naty's speaking

_Italics: Remi's speaking_

**Bold: Shitty story is speaking**

_**Please note that neither I nor Naty17 own this. If either of us had written My Immortal, we wouldn't have the balls to continue as authors. And neither of us own Harry Potter, because only J.K. Rowling is that amazingly awesome.**_

* * *

**Chapter 1.**

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**

* * *

_Remi: I see homophobe and girl who has a fake boyfriend who is never mentioned again... _

Naty: Wait. She was talking about a guy when she said Justin?! I thought it was just a weird girl name.

_Remi: Maybe she's talking about Raven, who is a terrible beta._

Naty: That's what I thought... Can people with 'deprzzing' lives even love? Or, sorry, 'luv'.

_Remi: Um...well, we know they can't spell._

Naty: True dat. See, I'm learning to spell as awesome as she does. Yay!

_Remi: Yes. Let's see what else we_ _learn~ Wait...what the hell is MCR?_

Naty: My Chemical Romance. Apparently.

_Remi: Ohhhhh. Damn acronyms._

Naty: I have a friend who digs that stuff. But... she ain't deprzzed. Or dumb.

_Remi: What about 'goffik'?_

Naty: Nope, she's just... … … Beth. XD

_Remi: Okay~ Let's read the story! xD_

Naty: LET'S READ THIS SHIT!

* * *

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

* * *

Naty: That is an insult to Amy Lee.

_Remi: Yes. It is. And who the fuck has three middle names that are equally stupid? I mean, Dark'ness?_

Naty: Agreed. I can't find a dumber middle name.

_Remi: Maybe Justin._

Naty: XD Seriously though, I thought MY name was bad for spelling 'AhSatan' backwards... I've been defeated. OTL

_Remi: It's okay~ At least it's not a boy name like mine~_

Naty: Your name is awesome. At least your eyes don't look like 'limpid tears'. Sounds painful.

_Remi: What the hell is a limpid tear, in the first place? It sounds like an STD..._

Naty: XD No idea. Google?

_Remi: Limpid: free of anything that darkens, completely clear; unclouded, clear_

Naty: Wait... so it actually makes sense?! O.O

_Remi: Surprising..._

Naty: It sounds like something you'd say to describe a penis. XD

_Remi: I think you're confusing it with limp, honey._

Naty: It SOUNDS like it, doesn't it?

_Remi: Yes. Yes it does._

* * *

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

* * *

_Remi: Incest is only tolerated when between twins. FOR TWINCEST IS WINCEST WITH A T._

Naty: HIDEYOSHI X YUUKO

_Remi: RIN X LEN_

Naty: HIKARU X KAORU

_Remi: RIN X YUKIO_

Naty: Who da hell?

_Remi: Sheesh Naty, haven't you ever seen Ao no Exorcist?  
_

Naty: That ain't hentai, is it? XD

_Remi: Nope. More supernatural, actiony shit. And Rin's the son of Satan, and Yukio's his younger, fraternal twin brother.  
_

Naty: So... basically the yaoi version of Twilight.

_Remi: I SAID SATAN. NO VAMPIRES. Wait...read the next paragraph of this fic._

* * *

**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).**

* * *

Naty: Right. Of course.

_Remi: So...the Cullens aren't vampires now? They have straight white teeth too..._

Naty: My question is, which one of the Cullens banged Hermione? o.o

_Remi: Naty, vat da hell you talking about? -random German accent-_

Naty: She's a vampire-witch hybrid. So which one of them banged Hermione?

_Remi: Five bucks says it was Carlisle._

Naty: I was just going to say that. XD Carlisle or Rosalie. Because it's totally possible.

_Remi: In the author's mind, it probably is. xD_

* * *

**I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

* * *

Naty: What the hell is Hot Topic anyway?

_Remi: It's an American fashion store. You can get a whole bunch of gothic stuff there. I'll admit, I sometimes buy jewelry or gloves from there. It's where I got my zombie slayer gloves. _

Naty: … I wanna Hot Topic in Canada... So unfair!

_Remi: Poor Canadians. Continually fucked in the ass._

Naty: I thought of Hetalia. You trying to tell me something?

_Remi: I have one thing to say...PRUCAN ALL THE FUCKING (uptheass) WAY._

Naty: I will murder you with a hockey stick. That is all.

* * *

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

* * *

_Remi: If she's pale, why did she need the white foundation? And where did she get it? Did she rob KISS?_

Naty: Oh, KISS as in the band. Oooooh. My question is, are goths even allowed white?

_Remi: YEs, obviously so they can be pale vampire wannabes like Ebony._

Naty: Ehehehehe, if I meet someone named Ebony... That'd be fucking hilarious. Her name seriously has the word 'bony' in it. It sounds like 'A pony'.

_Remi: I actually know a girl named Ebony...she's also black. /shot_

Naty: Her name looks too much like 'Boner' for me to take it seriously.

_Remi: You're right..._

Naty: Tranny?

_Remi: Nope. Girl and very, very girly. Like...gay guy girly. SHE'S FUCKING FABULOUS._

Naty: KFC CHICKEN.

_Remi: Now you're making me hungry._

Naty: I haven't had breakfast yet, but I'm too busy reading about Boner Dementia.

_Remi: I'm gonna go get some chips. I'll be right back~_

Naty: I'm jelly. Sigh... Now I'll have to finish answering anonymous reviews.

_Remi: Is it weird I like to dip my chips in milk? 0_o_

Naty: Not if it's chocolate. :3

_Remi: Okay then..._

* * *

**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

* * *

Naty: Poor preps. They just wanted to be frieeeends! D:

_Remi: How does it snow and rain at the same time? NATY, IT'S A WEATHER ANOMALY. THE ALIENS HAVE ARRIVED!_

Naty: BRING ME TO YOUR LEADER! XD

_Remi: Anyways, seeing as she flipped them off, Boner obviously has a boner for the preps._

Naty: Totally. Why do vampires hate sun, anyway? Do they not like wasting their white makeup stuff?

_Remi: Well, if she's a Twilight vamp, she obviously doesn't like to sparkle. If she's an actual vampire, it's because she'll burn up and like...die. My bet's on the Twilight vamp._

Naty: Damn. I was hoping it'd be sunny tomorrow for her.

_Remi: BURN UP AND DIE ALREADY, BONER. /shot_

Naty: Best. Sentence. Ever. XD

* * *

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**

* * *

_Remi: Oh my... SUSPENSE.  
_

Naty: DUH DUH DUUUUUH. Someone as pale as she is.

* * *

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

* * *

Naty: That's kinda rude, isn't it? She doesn't even say goodbye. She just... 'goes away'.

_Remi: The very least she could do is say bye..._

Naty: The sad truth about them goffs. They don't like anybody.

_Remi: AH, SHIT MY BUTT'S VIBRATING. Wait...I'm sitting on my phone. Shit._

Naty: The goff is angry. She's possessing your phone and... vibrating...?

_Remi: No...I just got an email...about that shit happening in Turkey._

Naty: It got eaten?

_Remi: The country, dummy. xD There's riots and stuff going on._

Naty: The goffik boner has invaded turkey. XD

_Remi: We should call Hungary...they can eat the Turkey._

Naty: EHEHEHEHE HETALIA. IT INVADES EVERY CONVERSATION!

_Remi: Yes. Yes it does._

* * *

**AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

* * *

Naty: No, it is not.

_Remi: I don't think 'fangz' can talk. But if they could, they would be ranting about how much this story sucks._

Naty: I don't get it... Is 'fangz' supposed to be a play on words using 'fans'?

_Remi: It's a "goff" pun. It's supposed to mean thanks, I think._

Naty: Dem goffs...

_Remi: Wanna include the next chapter? This feels short, even with our random conversations._

Naty: My longest chapter is 16000 words. Anything less feels short to me now. XD

_Remi: Including Boner's boner?_

Naty: I knew you'd say that. XD Yes, including Boner's boner.

_Remi: Next chapter then! And you know me so well. :3_

* * *

**Chapter 2.**

**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

* * *

Naty: She assumes they're preps.

_Remi: Are we preps for making fun of this? _

Naty: Aren't preps smart? If so, then no, I am not.

_Remi: Preps are like the cheerleaders and jocks in a stereotypical high school movie that everybody always ends up hating._

Naty: … Cheerleaders and jocks. To be one of them requires moving around once in a while. *glances down at chair* I've only been here for a FEW hours...

_Remi: Same goes for me...YAY WE'RE NOT PREPS._

Naty: I don't think any of the people reading this are preps. XD

_Remi: You're right. xD_

* * *

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.**

* * *

Naty: THE ALIENS ARE STILL THERE!

_Remi: I was just about to say that. xD DAMMIT NATY._

Naty: But... is it even winter? We'd better pay good attention, make sure it doesn't say 'summer day' anywhere.

_Remi: At least we know that Boner has no chance of being a meteorologist._

Naty: XD Meat-eater-ologist? I'd guess again.

_Remi: You perv..._

Naty: NOT WHAT I MEANT! SHE'S A VAMPIRE, REMEMBER?

_Remi: THAT MEANS SHE DRINKS BLOOD, NOT THAT SHE'S A CANNIBAL._

Naty: BUT SHE STILL EATS THEM! You know what, let's just say she isn't vegetarian and leave it at that.

_Remi: Sounds good to me. ^^_

* * *

**I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

* * *

_Remi: Not even gonna put it in a fridge? __That's improper blood storage.  
_

Naty: I have to wonder... where the hell does the blood go when vampires drink it? Does it go in their stomachs, in their blood streams, or...?

_Remi: It goes in Boner's boner._

Naty: XD Actually, fun fact, vampires can't actually get boners.

_Remi: I read that A/N, Naty. xD_

Naty: It's true! XD They have no blood, and no blood = no boner! Then again, vagina = no boner too, but... In this case...

_Remi: FUCK LOGIC UP THE ASS LIKE A CANADIAN._

Naty: Remi... I'm Canadian. Are you trying to tell me something?

_Remi: My friend Lina always asks the same thing..._

* * *

**My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.**

* * *

Naty: Where did she get such a nice coffin? Are there, like... vintage coffin shops?

_Remi: Maybe she got it custom made?_

Naty: Or... eBay. You can get a hell-load of shit off that. o.o

_Remi: Wasn't there a serial killer you told me about that sold his victims' organs on eBay?_

Naty: Probably. XD I can only remember the soap lady...

_Remi: Soap lady was creepy...Hey, Lina wants to help bash the fic. _

Naty: But... will she have to use the underline thing then for her speech?

_Remi: Or she could use bolded italics?_

Naty: That'd be like you and My Immortal had a baby. Creepy.

_Remi: Ewwww. And she said nevermind, she's roleplaying._

Naty: WELL I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU EITHER, LINA! *sulks in corner*

_Remi: -patpat- It's okay Naty. She said she'll read it when we post it._

Naty: I'm sorry I said mean stuff, Lina. D': Don't hurt me.

_Remi: Well, she's Canadian too. And her uncle taught her how to use a knife. And a gun. And a hockey stick._

Naty: My grandpa was a butcher. He taught me how to make sausage out of ANYTHING. w

_Remi: Naty...do not turn into that chapter of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. I COMMAND YOU NOT TO._

Naty: Eric is getting impatient. He's demanding Baka and Test. XD

_Remi: Well, you can go take an IQ TEST and see how much of a BAKA you are._

Naty: Me, or him? D':

_Remi: Him._

Naty: Eric says, 'Shut up.' XD

_Remi: Remi says, 'Suck my _'  
_

Naty: INAPPROPRIATE

_Remi: I WAS GONNA SAY LOLLIPOP._

Naty: Even Eric says, 'Riiiiiight...'

_Remi: Eric, go suck a lollipop._

* * *

**I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

* * *

Naty: I want that pentagram necklace. I wanna wear it to my upcoming new CATHOLIC high school. :3

_Remi: If I wore a pentagram necklace, nobody would care because my new high school has no dress code. :'D_

Naty: DAMN. LUCKY.

* * *

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.**

* * *

Naty: Dis is funny.

_Remi: Why not just name her Raven? It's more "goffick" anyways._

Naty: I was wondering the same thing, but Raven is one of Boner's middle names, isn't it?

_Remi: She's also a badass Teen Titan, your point? WAIT. NEVERMIND. DON'T BRING TEEN TITANS INTO YOUR AWFUL SHIT, BONER._

Naty: … I'll pretend I know what Teen Titans is.

_Remi: TV Show. It was my very first anime. -tears up-_

Naty: Technically, mine was Pokemon, but I consider my first anime Ouran High School Host Club. :D

_Remi: MORI IS A SEXY BEAST. Okay, I'm done._

Naty: AGREED. My favorite too.

* * *

**She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

* * *

Naty: Because fishnets are totally sexy.

_Remi: Especially when the fish are still in them and you can see the little buggers._

Naty: XD My vice-principal used to wear fishnets all the time, until she got transferred to a different school.

_Remi: Wow. My vice-principal...was a fat lady named Ms. Pickett who was a bitch. :'D_

Naty: Whoever said mine wasn't a bitch? Or fat. XD

* * *

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

* * *

Naty: Is excitedly even a word?

_Remi: Um, I think so. And is it just me, or was using a text acronym in common speech totally a prep thing to do?_

Naty: Ugh, I hate that. One of my friends always goes, 'Haha, LOL' when speaking, or 'YOLO', and I'm like, "SHUT UP OR I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU!"

_Remi: What annoys me is when people say "turn up!". It sounds like they're saying "turnip." And me and my friends will always go on about how turnips are stupid whenever we hear anybody say that._

Naty: My friends and I, first of all. Second of all, I have never heard someone say 'turn up', or else I'd feel your pain.

_Remi: BITCH DON'T GO GRAMMAR NAZI ON ME._

Naty: Obviously you haven't met that side of Simon yet. XD

_Remi: Simon still needs to send us those yaoi pics..._

Naty: Of him and Adam? Yes. Fucking love gay British guys. XD

* * *

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

* * *

_Remi: I SMELL TSUNDERE._

Naty: I smell goff. XD

_Remi: It's so stereotypical that the goths are Slytherin...Oh, excuse me. "Goffs."_

* * *

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

* * *

Naty: Gotta love that. 'No, I don't like him!' And then she tries to flirt while saying the word 'Hi'. …

_Remi: Someone needs to get their personality straight..._

Naty: XD With Mary-Sues? Impossible.

_Remi: Mary Sue. KILL IT WITH FIRE. Or flames. :3_

Naty: Same thing, silly.

_Remi: Naty, I was making a fanfiction oriented joke._

Naty: OHHHHHH. I should have known. I've been a fanfictioner for how long again? OTL

_Remi: Like...two and a half years? I dunno. I joined after you._

Naty: IMMA COUNT! Let's see... 2 years... March, April, May, June. 2 years and 4 months.

_Remi: So about 2 and a third years._

Naty: Yerp.

* * *

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

* * *

_Remi: Ain't Good Charlotte a muggle band?_

Naty: Never heard of 'em. Wouldn't know.

_Remi: They're like My Chemical Romance._

Naty: They both have the letter C.

_Remi: And weird acronyms._

Naty: My favorite acronym is still the one for Agents of Secret Stuff: ASS

_Remi: That's the acronym on the end of a subs file. _.ass_

Naty: Making me hungry...

_Remi: Oh my...Naty wants some ass?_

Naty: NO. SUBS. XD

_Remi: I'LL TAKE YOU TO A FUCKING SUBWAY THEN._

Naty: FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LOOOOOONG!

_Remi: ...I meant the trains._

Naty: Oh. OTL

* * *

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

* * *

_Remi: That's a pleasant thing to scream out._

Naty: FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LOOOOOOONG!

_Remi: ...Naty. Go make a sandwich._

Naty: NO. 3: - Mustache. XD

_Remi: xD OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD._

Naty: Five dollar foot long?

_Remi: Quite the good deal for a foot long on a prostitute. -salutes-_

Naty: Well, what did you THINK I was talking about? XD PIKO-KUUUN!

_Remi: Simon certainly is thinking of a foot long Piko on top of a uke!Len..._

Naty: In Lost and Found, it's the other way around! … That rhymes.

_Remi: Oh gee. Naty's a poet now._

Naty: YOU CAN CALL ME EMILY DICKINSON, WITHOUT THE EMILY AND THE INSON!

_Remi: I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT I'LL STICK WITH THE DICK._

Naty: I never realized that before. Dick-in-son. XD

_Remi: INCEST! Like between Boner and Gerard Way._

Naty: Beth is going to murder you for ever even suggesting that.

_Remi: Beth, have fun trying. You'll have to get in line for people who want to murder me. :3_

Naty: Don't worry, Beth, I saved you a spot! We're up front, number 17!

* * *

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

**I gasped.**

* * *

Naty: "NO I DON'T WANNA!"

_Remi: If only she said that...this story could've ended a lot quicker._

Naty: The whole story in itself is probably less words than ONE of my chapters. OTL

_Remi: A bit more. It's around 20,000+ words._

Naty: Nope. 16 000 something. UH-OH, ERIC IS COMING TO GET ME!

_Remi: It's okay. Me and Simon will film your demise and put it on YouTube for the world to see._

Naty: Simon isn't even here. He's busy banging his boyfriend (and Brony-chick).

_Remi: EW. MLP. KILL IT WITH FIRE._

Naty: Don't you remember? I already did... :D

_Remi: Good Naty. -pats-_

Naty: I'm gonna eat now so Mrs. Vanderlee won't call me anorexic again.

_Remi: Who's Mrs. Vanderlee?_

Naty: Some teacher convinced that every girl in our school is anorexic. She goes up to me and says, 'Aren't you going to eat something?' I say, 'Oh, no, I don't like raisin cookies.' 'I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight.' '... Actually, I've gained 2 lbs. recently.' 'I'm very concerned for you, Natasha.' '... Why...?' Yep. She's convinced I'm anorexic. She went on to give me a great long speech on how it destroys a person's health.

_Remi: Wowwww._

Naty: I know. XD I ain't that skinny, though, which is what cracks me up. I ain't heavy, but I ain't skinny either. Ugh, I need food. BYE BYE. 'TIL NEXT CHAP.

_Remi: -goes to post this shit- I'm assuming my account, seeing as I don't know your password._

Naty: Ain't got one. ^w^

_Remi: ...You didn't use password, did you?_

Naty: Ain't got an account. If I have one, I don't know about it.

_Remi: Naty...I mean fanfiction._

Naty: Well... Shit.

Remi: …

Naty: I've got one of THOSE... /o/o/

_Remi: Naty's an idiot..._

Naty: Thank you. Prepare to suffer the rage of whatever fans I have. XD

_Remi: You should advertise this shit in L&F._

Naty: Good thing I haven't posted it yet! I will! Okay, now... FOOD.

_Remi: Enjoy your food._

* * *

_**We hope you've enjoyed this very strange commentary so far which is mainly me and Naty's weird conversations. –Remi**_


End file.
